Unlearning to Reclaim Ourselves: The Journey Back Home

At some point, many of us start living a version of ourselves that isn't true. We take on roles like the “good daughter,” the “strong friend,” or the “always fine” person. These roles become so ingrained that we forget they were roles at all. They become our default settings, rather than choices we made.

But what happens when we start to outgrow those roles?

Increasingly, people are asking themselves this question, slowly (sometimes painfully) unraveling the habits and identities that helped us feel loved, accepted, or safe. This process involves unlearning the versions of ourselves that “could do it all” without needing much in return. We begin to discover the parts of ourselves we left behind in order to survive.

The Necessity of Unlearning

Unlearning is not a simple process. It is often filled with hurdles. There's real grief in it. Many may feel a profound ache in realizing how much of their lives were spent on autopilot. For instance, a study by the American Psychological Association found that nearly 70% of adults report feeling unfulfilled in their daily lives, often due to the pressures of remaining in roles that don’t reflect their true selves. The pain of realizing that selflessness and compliance were seen as necessities often needs to be addressed and ultimately released.

As unlearning unfolds, feelings of awkwardness can arise. Trying to reconnect with that inner voice, which we have often ignored, can feel jarring. Fear may resurface as well, reminding us of the comfort found in familiar roles. Guilt can creep in, accompanied by nagging questions such as, “Is this truly me? Is it too late to find out?”

Embracing Change

Coming home to oneself does not always feel peaceful or serene.

Often, it involves moments of solitude that bring deep emotional challenges to the surface. Imagine sitting in your car after a tough day, letting yourself feel everything that's bubbling just below the surface. Consider what it feels like to say “no” for the first time, without the need to provide a lengthy explanation to those who are used to your compliance and agreement.

Sometimes, it simply means creating space to ask, “Do I even like this version of me? Or have I just learned to accept her because it keeps everyone else comfortable?” This kind of questioning is essential for our growth.

Shedding Old Skins

Change can be described in beautiful terms, but the reality of shedding old roles can feel painful, dark, and confusing.

We need to allow ourselves to grieve these old identities. They were not just masks; they served specific purposes in different seasons of our lives. For example, being the “strong friend” may have helped us cope with our surroundings, but it can also lead to burnout and isolation. Recognizing the impact of these roles while letting them go is both liberating and daunting.

Throughout the unlearning process, self-compassion is crucial. Remember that these roles were developed as survival mechanisms. It’s okay to recognize how we equated self-worth with doing, achieving, or pleasing others.

The Journey Back Home

The journey back to ourselves is not linear. Often, it involves taking steps back before we can move forward.

The path to understanding our true selves can take many forms. They may fall into practices such as journaling, meditating, engaging in artistic activities, or enjoying deep conversations with trusted friends. It could entail reassessing priorities or redefining our values amidst societal pressures.

Think about sitting with a comforting cup of tea, reflecting on life choices, or taking a long walk in nature, considering who you truly are and desire to be.

Tools for Unlearning

Reflective Journaling:

Writing about your feelings and experiences can lead to greater clarity about your authentic self. Explore challenging questions like: What roles serve me? What no longer fits?

Mindfulness Practice:

Mindfulness helps bring awareness to thoughts and feelings without judgment. Breathing exercises or meditation can anchor you in the present, allowing you to hear your inner voice more clearly.

Allowing Yourself to Evolve

We are allowed to change and let go of our old identities.

Walking away from narratives that no longer serve us can feel intimidating, yet it can also be one of the most beautiful acts of self-care. In the journey of unlearning, embracing self-acceptance and transformation is vital. Inviting change into our lives opens space for what truly reflects who we are. While it requires immense courage, it also leads to profound joy.

The Path to Rediscovery

As this journey unfolds, each step, no matter how small, brings you closer to reclaiming the parts of yourself that may have been neglected.

This journey back home is about rediscovering the wholeness and beauty that reside within us. It’s about embracing every facet of our identities so that they can coexist in harmony.

There is liberation in the unlearning process. Beauty exists in the transition from feeling lost to becoming empowered and free.

Let this journey continue, trusting that every step brings you closer to home. The home that is simply, authentically you.

A quiet space that invites reflection and tranquility.

A serene path symbolizing the journey of self-discovery.

Dive deeper into this topic on The Journey We Take podcast. In episode 13, I open up about what it really means who we were taught to be and the beauty (and discomfort) of returning to the self. You can listen here or find it on any major platform.

With love, Janellie